Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize