im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
