I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
