imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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