if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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