Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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