The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
