I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
