We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
