she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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