When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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