farters have to be the big spoon...
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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