She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
