So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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