Your dad touched me again.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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