your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I will be naked everywhere
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
