I'm pants shitting drunk right now
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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