So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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