roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
