I wish I could teleport
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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