hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize