remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
