I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Randomize
