Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
