I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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