I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
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