I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
