I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
