he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Randomize
