The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
