shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
