the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
