kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
