tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
