that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
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