he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
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