I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
