I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
