Do you still have your period?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
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