i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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