Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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