Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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