Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
