Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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