She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
