cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I think I just sharted jello shots
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
