waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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