tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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