I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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