I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
