Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
