Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
