Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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