It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
