Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
