The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
