Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
