my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
