The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
