I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
