i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
