Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
