I don't usually arrange sex via text message
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
