Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
