I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
