I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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