tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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