your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
