my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
